Before the start of the year, I sat down and went through Pinterest to find several different journal ideas. I decided to randomly pick prompts and schedule out my posts for the first 6 months of the year. My hope is that this will encourage me to talk about things that are affecting me at that moment in my life. Now that I’m thinking about it, perhaps I’ll spend the second half of the year revisiting these questions to how my answers may have changed.
This week’s prompt is all about what is setting my heart on fire. Possibility and the future is what is getting me excited.
For most of my life, I have never known what it is I have wanted to do. There have been very few times where I was certain about the things I have wanted in my life. I was for certain I wanted a child. Even during the times when I didn’t think it would, I knew I was fooling myself if I didn’t keep trying until I could no longer. It’s a good thing I didn’t stop.
Especially over the last 10 years, the time I’ve been married, I always felt like I was searching for something. There was something missing and I could never figure out what it was. Out of everything I tried, nothing filled that missing space. My heart, and soul still continuously longed for something and the possibility or idea of what may ease that calling got me excited.
A couple of weeks ago I brought something up to my husband that involved our future. Though I can’t quite say what it is yet, to him it was something out of the blue. However, for me, this is something that has come back to a few times over the course of my life. Every time the idea was shut down and then I stopped thinking about it. I felt like it wasn’t right or good enough.
A couple of weeks ago I brought it up to my husband for the first time. He wasn’t sure what to think of it because this was something that I had never talked about before with him. I wouldn’t let it go. In my heart, I knew that this could be exactly what I have been searching for. Now, it’s like I have a new spark. Like I’m coming out of summer vacation and I’m nervous and excited about what the school year is going to be like.
The best way I can describe what I’ve been feeling is relating it to an identity crisis of sorts. I thought I knew growing up what I wanted, but as I got older I decided to change my path. The problem was I didn’t know what direction I was now going to take. For over 10 years it’s like I have been drifting. Just sort of riding things out because I didn’t think that there was no way I could change the course. Especially as I started getting older. Granted, being in my mid 30’s most people would say nothing is set in stone. There are people all over the world-changing their paths at different ages. For whatever reason, this didn’t seem accessible to me.
Now that I have talked things over with Josh, I feel even more confident in my decision. I know that this is what direction I want my life to take. It’s very easy for me to say that at this time and moment, possibility and the future are giving me life and setting my heart on my fire.